


i hate u, i love u

by softmagnusbane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Episode Related, Heavy Angst, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt No Comfort, Insecure Magnus Bane, M/M, POV Magnus, Sad Magnus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-06-29
Packaged: 2018-07-19 02:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7341004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softmagnusbane/pseuds/softmagnusbane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened between Alec leaving Magnus' loft and Magnus helping Clary at the institute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i hate u, i love u

It's over, Magnus can hardly breathe. His heart is constricting painfully in his chest, he’s given his all and for what? _nothing_.  
Clearly Alexander didn’t care enough about him or himself to not continue with this _idiocy_. 

A vase breaks next to him where he stands next to the entry to his bedroom, his control wavering due to emotional distress, hasn't happened in _years_ dammit. _This_ is why he closed himself off. Why he never let _anyone_ come close to him, never give them the opportunity to break him or even crack his defenses, Camille had done more than enough damage for several lifetimes. _All_ his friends can vouch for that. 

In the short timespan of one day he had gone from being hopeful and determined, to being so fully rejected and shattered that he could barely imagine leaving his apartment again, duties be damned, there’s always someone who wants to take his role as a high warlock anyways. Why bother anymore, why try so fucking _hard_. He just ends up crushed _every time_ he opens up, he ends up _destroyed_. No exceptions. 

Magnus sighs, looking at the mess of the broken vase, ceramic pieces all over the floor, it looks oddly like a metaphor for his whole life the longer he stares. He sighs again, doesn't bother cleaning up the mess, just enter his bedroom and closes the door with a flick of his wrist, all lights off. He knows he probably won't be able to stay alone for long; Clary still needs his help after all. Right now though, he just needs a moment alone. Ironic since he has eternity to be alone. A bitter laugh escapes his lips and he swallows the lump in his throat, blinking away the tears threatening to spill. 

Laying down all he can see is Alec’s face, how angry he had been, how distraught and how disappointed Magnus had felt. The moment played over and over in his head. “ _Its all just a game to you._ ” No it isn’t, I don’t do this with anyone anymore, I haven’t in a 100 years, is what he'd wanted to say. Instead he hadn't been able to say anything. Not a word. He'd stood silent, taking all the shouting and the hurtful words to him instead of defending himself... 

“ _Even if I did feel something for you, you want me to give up my life for you? I could lose my family, my job, **everything**._ ” It had taken everything Magnus had not to flinch at that. Now that he hears it so vividly in his mind he lets himself flinch. Fuck.

Alec is right, who is he to think he deserves that. Deserves someone like Alec, a shadowhunter, a _Lightwood_ He is just a simple _downworlder_ after all. Magnus doesn't know when they started but tears wets his cheeks and he can't even be bothered to waterproof his makeup before it was ruined. He feels worthless. Probably rightfully so too, Alec is a _Lightwood_ , not only a shadowhunter. He’s high range, has so much potential in his life, he can restore the Lightwood name and he probably will too. With Lydia by his side, he’ll live a good yet lonely life that he chose for himself, and so will Magnus. Not because Magnus chose it but because he can’t see himself moving on from Alec. At least, not while the other is still alive. 

It’s pathetic really, Magnus had said he’d never give Alec another chance but knows in his heart that if he comes to him, married and alone, Magnus will be his secret. He will do _anything_ for Alec, always.  
It’s terrifying, and sad, and Magnus would do anything to let go of his feelings for the other man and close up again _right now_. To shut off and forget all about the boy with the multicolored eyes and raven black hair, _anything_. 

Unfortunately, he can’t do that, not now, probably not in this lifetime. So he does the second best thing, he focuses his feelings and turns them from feeling broken and helpless, to pissed off and powerful. Makes himself feel angry instead, angry that Alec would choose such a sad life for himself instead of the happiness Magnus can give him, mad that Alec is so blinded by the stupid _shadowhunter pride_ that he can’t see what’s right in front of himself. 

With that in mind he gets out of bed. Lacking the normal flourish he dresses simple, dark, no glitter this time and makes sure his hair is perfect before taking a deep breath do compose himself and going to help Clary at the Institute.

**Author's Note:**

> Based on the song "i hate u, i love you" by gnash, olivia o'brien, by that I mean I listened to it while writing this. This is my first fic, I have no beta so the errors are all mine.  
> Also, English is my second language so if you see any grammatical errors please let me know and I'll work on it! :)  
> Please comment what you think! I am considering writing more and it would help a lot with feedback. :)


End file.
